Letting Go and Moving On (February 3, 2008)

Tonight I watch a movie titled "Garden State". I've seen this movie before, and each time I come away with something gnawing at me. Since I cannot seem to put my finger on exactly what I want to say or how I want to express what I'm feeling, I figured that I would sit down and try to work it out here in the safety and security of my blog space.

For a long time now, I have kept myself at arms distance from anything that even looked like it may have the possibility of becoming a relationship. I would find myself attracted to someone, and I may have even gone on a date or two, but before I'd let myself (or them) become to invested, I would bail.

Tonight for the first time in a long while, I have let myself enter that place in my heart where the answers that I have been searching for are found. I've been able to look closely at my actions and reactions and have come to some resolution.

I was in a relationship for four years with a man that I cherished, loved, cared for, and ultimately would have given my life for. Towards the end something happened. It was if one day he checked out of the relationship and nothing I could do could bring him back. We became more of housemates than partners. This continued for a few weeks if not months and I began to suspect that he was looking to greener pastures for those things that he may not have been recieving to their fullest in our relationship. I tried to communicate with him and to discover what could be done to fix whatever had gone wrong, but unfortunately he would not convey to me what the matter was. It was then that I too began to "check out" of the partnership and to cut the strings that connected him to my heart and to me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The day came when my life with this man ended. I had found out his secret and not only had it been found out, but I had literally walked in on him and the secret together in a compromising situation. Although I had already prepared myself (as best I could) for what I assumed was happening, I was just not ready to accept the truth of the situation.

On this day so many years ago, my life as I knew it ended. What I had dedicated myself to for four years was over. Although it was not I who had cheated and although it was not I who had caused the damange, "I" was the one who lost everything. I lost my home, my partner, and my best friend. There was much that I was willing to work on, but cheating was the "one" thing that I could not accept or work through. It was then that I moved out.

A piece of me had died or at least frozen in time. I built a wall between my heart and anyone who tried to climb over or break through. I emotionally broke down. For the first time in my life I was not the strong person I had always been. I was no longer resilient. For over a month I did not go to work. I didn't really do much of anything. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I lost weight, and I withdrew from life.

It took many years and a lot of very patient friends to see me through. Slowly but surely I strengthened my defenses and built myself up to a point where I could again feel that I was worthy of others love and acceptance.

So here we are today and we are back to where the movie ties into my entire story. Short and sweet, Garden State is about a man who over the course of a few days takes some bold steps to resolve his past and to build upon his future. It is time for me to take some bold steps to resolve my own issues from the past and to work towards a happier future.

I have the opportunity to start building a relationship with someone new who has come into my life. In the past this is where my self defeating thoughts would come into play and I would shut down and back away from any possibilities to develop a relationship with anyone else.

This is a scary step for me to take, but I will not back down. I will not turn away and run. I will face this head on with courage, hope and confidence. I will do all that is in my power to see this through and to logically examine all aspects of the situation. I will let others make their own decisions and choices about me and I will not make assumptions and decisions that are not mine to make. I will let this other person get to know me and to decide for themself if they want me in their life.

This may all sound a bit goofy and perhaps it is. I know that in the past "I" have been the cause of my own loneliness. My unhappiness has become a self fullfiliing prophecy. It is now within my power to not let this happen again. So with that said, I look forward with a bit of apprehension for what the future may hold, but I also look forward with excitement.

I am putting myself out there and will take that step into the darkness, with the hope that with each step I take, there will be solid footing to land upon. I will LEAP into the unknown with the knowledge that I WILL be ok.

Life is a journey and it's time that I get back on the road and start taking some risks. For it is when we take those risks that we find ourselves and true happiness in the adventure!