My life.... My life has become some twisted mix of Queer as Folk, Friends, and Seinfield all thrown into a blender and pureed. Sometimes I just have to step back and shake my head and I think "Is this all for real?!?!".
I found a memory card in my parking lot this past week. After work that day, I came home and popped the card into my computer to see if I could figure out who it belonged to. To my surprise I found quite the mix of "media" on this card. There was a story of a cancer patients survival, video of several children's dance recitals, and then pictures of my neighbor, his wife, and some other woman naked. Is he having an affair? I dunno. It all got me thinking about my own life. I suppose we all have skeletons in our closets, our secrets, things from our past that we would never want anyone else to know.
Several years ago I threw off the chains of lies and came out of the closet. I didn't really change from who I was previously other than I stopped attending church, wearing my garments, and suddenly everyone I knew was aware that I prefered men over women. I was the same person I'd always been, but now those closest to me knew the true me. It was such a heavy burden taken off my shoulders. I was happy for the first time in a very long time. I was free!
It's now eight years later. As I review those years, there are so many things that I wouldn't change or redo even if I could. I have become an adult and I have matured in ways I really didn't think possible. My eyes have been opened to so much, but there is a lot that perhaps regret, things that have been said and things that have been done.
I cannot go back to the person I was before, but I also cannot remain the person that I currently am. For lack of a better word, I am "entrentched" in my own life and I am finding it difficult to progress to a new and better place.
No, it's not the "gay" part of me that I regret or wish to change, nor is it leaving the church. I was not happy there and found that the guilt and self hatered and the judgement that comes along with the LDS religion to be too much for my sensative spirit.
It is a small handful of choices that I regret. I currently smoke far too much and I have the smokers cough to confirm this. Although I do not drink heavily, I also regret having started down that road as well. I'm sad that I have thought so little of myself to have had meaningless hook ups with other men and to keep my sexual urges more under control. I'm certainly not a whore, but I have found myself in situations that perhaps today I would like to rethink. I am also very unhappy with my current vocation. Why have I though so little of myself and my abilities to doubt my ability to find a profession that I could be happy in? How have almost 8 years gone by and I have allowed myself to be trampled on, taken advantage of, and been under paid and under valued for soo long? How have I let myself gain so much weight and to become a vegetable at the end of each day?
I know that these regrets all come down to choices I have made or chosen "not" to make, but I am "entrentched" and do not know how to escape my own life that I have built around me. I've become so good at denying myself happiness. I've built a great wall around my heart and around myself that not only can I not let others in to love me, in general I can't let others in at all.
So here I sit on a Saturday evening typing on a myspace blog all alone. I have no one to blame except for myself. My choices have led me to this point in my life. Today I watched part of a movie. Apparently movies help me to think and to sort through my own personal tragic life. The movie was "Georgia Rule". It's a little bit heavy in spots, but the part that spoke to me was just one or two lines: "If you cannot trust, you cannot love".
I am probably the most forgiving person I know. If someone betrays me, I may be upset for a little while but I always forgive them unconditionally and move on. I know this to be a good trait to have, but there is a second part that I am not so good at. Somewhere along the line I have lost the ability to trust. I don't even expect it from anyone anymore. I don't trust, and with that said, I don't love, and I certainly don't allow others to love me. So I am alone by my own choice and actions.
Tomorrow I may regret having posted this on here. Tomorrow I may not feel the same way, or at least I'll deny being human and flawed. I won't delete this but I won't believe my own words either. Denial is such a great thing.
I know I need to take action to move forward, but it's scary and hard. I'd rather just coast and ride out the bumps of my crappy job and my crappy situation. I wonder sometimes in my little fantasy world what it would be like to quit my job, and just move away to some state where I don't know anyone. I dream of how wonderful it would be to start anew and to in essence hit the restart button on my life. In a flash I am back to the present and my logical side kicks in. Packing up and moving away is just a type of running from my problems. Sure it may work for a day, a week, a month or even longer, but eventually it will all catch up to me and I'll have the same old crap piled on my doorstep when I wake up one morning.
What do I do from here? I really don't know. I'm stuck, I'm not even content in my life, I'm just stuck.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
oh mark...this is sad.
ReplyDeletei kind of think we ought to move in together and just sit around being fabulous all day. and you know, get someone to pay us for it. i mean, really, that would be a LOT of fabulosity in one room. we could make people pay us just to bask in our awesome.