June 6, 2009

Last weekend I went to Moab with a group of friends. I was a little nervous about the trip. All of those that attended are great and wonderful people, but there have been times that we have not all gotten along and fun times have been lost because of this.

The trip ended up being a great success. It was relaxing, fun, enjoyable, and a good choice to attend. I took a ton of picture but haven't figured out how to actually post them on my blog as an album. You'll have to head over to my Facebook page if you'd like to check them all out.

I was planning on writing a little each day while in Moab as a sort of journal entry, but caught up in the fun of friends and a beautiful environment and didn't write at all!
Today I'm not really in a mood to write more about the trip as I have other items on my mind.

A little over a month ago I met a guy. I quickly felt "the spark" that I use as my barometer for possible relationships. I was excited that he felt the same for me and liked me just the way I am, (warts and all). My smoking wasn't an issue nor were the extra pounds around my waist.

He lives in Ogden so the distance has kept us from being able to get together as often as I would have liked. We have managed to talk on the phone or on the computer each day and have spent time together in person several times as well.

Last week, as I was preparing to go to Moab, I began getting the impression that maybe he wasn't feeling the spark between us anymore. My friends kept telling me that it was all in my head and to just keep on keeping on with him. I got back from Moab, and that night he came over and spent the night. All seemed right again but throughout the week, I wasn't hearing from his as often and when I'd text him or IM him, he was a lot slower to respond.

Yesterday was Friday (my day off). He is always on Yahoo messenger at his work so I sent him a quick hello. He was slow in responding and his reply was short and impersonal. Being the communicator that I am, I don't like to just let things bother me. I like to get them out in the open, discuss them and work through anything that is a problem. With that in mind, I sent him a message and said "I really like you but recently have gotten the feeling that maybe you don't feel the same way anymore". As soon as I hit enter he started typing back. His response was a bit cold and short. Essentially he said that he doesn't think he wants a relationship right now and that he's scared of being in a relationship. This is the EXACT opposite of what he had been saying through the past month. I felt a stab in my heart and a knot developed in my stomach.

To sum things up, there was a little back and forth conversation and it was determined that whatever it was that we had was over...

It's been many, many months since I last went on a date and even longer since I felt a spark for someone. I am trying to use this as a learning experience, but have not found much good or positive that I can take away from it all. There is no sweetener to make this lemom into lemonaid and my heart is sad and hurts today. It was this same time of year many years ago that everything went South with Stephen. Perhaps I'm channeling some of that old pain and making this current situation more than it actually is. All I can say is that it is real to me and I am feeling the pain of it all at this very moment.

I have been single long enough to forget the flavor of being in a relationship. There is a security in it all and a comfort of knowing that there is someone out there (even if they are in Ogden) who is wondering what you are up to and wishing they could be with you. These feelings have been awakened in me again. I am now restless and yearning for more. Knowing that it is gone causes me to want to escape into my room and pull the covers up over my head and to surround myself with pillows and hide. I have a desire to calm my spirit and to sooth myself back into reality.

It is Pride Weekend in SLC. A time for celebration, for sharing, for fun, for rainbows and gay camp. To be quite honest, I am JUST NOT IN THE MOOD! I also do not want to sit home and feed my heartache so I have a plan. I have purchased tickets to several of the concerts and activities. I don't really want to hang with a group and be the wet blanket of the weekend but I do want to show my support of the community. I plan on attending these events (Paula Poundstone, Voodoo Box & the Voodoo Darlings, the parade, and the Sunday afternoon festivities) by myself. There are so many people that I know who will be there and it will be nice to see then, give hugs all around and then move on. I am putting myself out there, handing it all over to the Universe and hoping for a good time and possibly to meeting new people to add to my group of awesome friends.

Although I may not be affiliated with any particular organized religion, I consider myself to be a spiritual person. I am placing my hope and faith in the powers that be, to know of my needs and to guide me to where I need to be and to meet those that will bring me peace and happiness within my own personal existence on this earth.

I know that eventually I will meet the man that will be my perfect fit. At 37 I am anxious to meet them soon! I just don't know what more I can do to bring them into my life. My heart aches.