October 12 2016
My, oh my! It’s been
a long while since I last posted an entry on this particular blog!
A lot has happened and I feel like I should catch everyone
up to date on my life, however, this is NOT my journal so I suppose I won’t
catch you up (at least not right now).
My reason for writing today is very specific. My last posts were about me trying to lose
weight (story of my life). Over the past
several years, I have yo-yoed up and down substantially. I am currently tipping the scale at over 300
pounds. I’d tell you exactly how much I
weigh, but I haven’t stepped on a scale in months and months.
Each morning I roll out of bed and on my way to the bathroom
have to pass a full length mirror. Of
course I am naked as I walk past the mirror and 9 times out of 10, I will slow
down to catch a glimpse of my body.
Do you want to know a secret? I LOVE my naked body. I love the largeness of my torso, the
thickness of my legs, the swell of my butt, ALL of it! I love my scruffy face and the hair I have
on my chest. I love my man boobs that at
times look very pectoral and muscled although they are just an illusion of fat
covering minimal muscle tissue. I love
my beefy arms, my thick neck, and my messy bed head morning hair.
My belly has grown substantially over the past several
months. It’s a big fat belly that hangs
over my belt when clothed. I like how
beefy it makes me look (naked). For
someone such as me who has always had self-image issues and struggled with
weight problems throughout my entire life, this is something new and exciting
for me. I actually love my body. I also love other men with body types just
like mine. This is another secret that I
have always kept hidden for whatever reason.
I like a mans man with a health gut, hairy chest, scruffy face, and just
beefy in general. I’m not sure why this
has had to be a secret in the past.
Maybe I was ashamed of what others might think of my tastes in men. At this point, I don’t care what others
think! I am all about searching for and
finding happiness and if that equates to a heavy set gent who may or may not be
a bit older than me, then so be it!
So back to me and my physical body for just a moment. If you re-read what I have entered above,
you will notice that I have prefaced my love of myself and my body “naked”. To set the record straight, I am not a
nudist, nor do I wander my home naked other than in the morning headed to the
shower and then back to my room after the shower to get dressed. The sad truth of who I am is that apparently
I am conditional in my love for myself.
Once I have on my bvd’s, and an undershirt, I am suddenly not as attracted
to myself. Once I have slipped on a
shirt and pants, I begin to distract myself from the mirror because I do not
like what I see. I’ve always been
difficult to fit in clothes. I have a
long torso, thick legs, and a short waist to groin ratio. Finding pants that will accommodate my curves
and mass is difficult. It’s even more
difficult to find clothing that not only fits, but also looks good on my
body. This XLL Slim Fit crap is a
nightmare for me. An XXL Slim Fit
equates to a regular large or possibly extra large shirt. It’s an oxymoron! For me, once my clothes are on, I suddenly
feel like an obese person with no self-control.
I feel ugly and fat and sad. I am
willing to suck that up and let it be what it is, however…. I am trying to catch me a fella. I have been for the majority of my life. 40 of my 44 years of life, I have been single
and feel like it’s been long enough. I
am ready for a partner to love unconditionally who will also love me
unconditionally as well… super chubby
body and all. Since I have this issue
with my appearance in clothing, I know I am not attracting any gentleman
callers into my life. It’s a real
problem for me and I need to figure out how to work around this. I am hoping that my naked self love with
shine brighter in to the Universe and will light the way for “my” perfect mate
to find me.
So there you have it!
My Oct 12 2016 age 44 and ½ secrets of the moment.
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